Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

Overall Rating:
AA received high marks in all action categories, however the lack of boobies and swears brings its overall score down to a mediocre level. Throw in some nudity and profanity and AA would be top-tier bad action movie. Overall, it’s a decent watch, but there are many bad action movies I would recommend over AA.

Why We Rented It:
Bruce Campbell stars as Dr. Ivan Hood, a cocky astronaut who returns to Earth after a 40-year cryogenic space nap to discover civilization destroyed and the planet enslaved by a race of giant alien termites. But when Hood is captured, he begins to plot the impossible: escape his captors, track down the long-missing President, and build a rebel army to destroy these insect overlords. In a desperate time ruled by head-chomping bugs that spew green crap, can one brave hero lead a not-very-bright world to freedom?

Our Synopsis:
Like the back cover says, some spacemen come back to Earth and it’s been taken over by giant alien termites that sometimes repeat the end of their sentences. These termites mostly enjoy biting off black dudes’ heads, but they also like to eat wood (being giant termites) so they enslave all of humanity to work in their lumber mills. Bruce Campbell, of course, isn’t all about this so he escapes, tries to find the leader of a rebel human army, finds the leader but there is no army, heads back to saw mill to fight termites and ends up being the leader of the rebel army. Hooray!

  • Big Ol’ Naked Boobies:

I believe that is now the third movie, in a row, with no nudity. I guess I should’ve known that this one was coming when the front cover said that this movie was the highest rated original movie in Sci-Fi channel history. Still, AA being a Sci-Fi movie is no excuse for a boobie-less motion picture.

  • Profanation:

Ok, so I honestly can’t remember a single swear in this movie, however I will give AA 1 star in profanation for one reason, and it is the following line: “Those bounty hunters are all fags. I can handle 'em.” What?! I don’t recall any homosexual tendencies between any of the bounty hunters, but if Bruce Campbell says it, it must be true. 1 star!

  • Ninjocity:

This is definitely the first movie that has made me sit back and wonder, “which category should ‘attacks with a rusty cutlass’ be put into?” I’m also not entirely sure if the bow-and-arrow would fall into this category, but I’m digressing. Now, on to the ninjocity! There is plentiful bow-and-arrow firing, as this seems to be one of the only weapons that the humans of 40 years in the future still know how to make. AA also contained much alien slaughtering with the aforementioned rusty cutlass. This included the chopping off of alien heads and limbs. Bruce Campbell also stabs an alien in the gut with a drill bit. There isn’t much hand-to-hand combat so our score for this category, while still good, is less than perfect.

  • Cannonry:

It’s interesting that people being repressed under termite rule for 40 years still remember how to make weapons for fighting against the termites. Perhaps they should have remembered this about 40 years before and they wouldn’t have been enslaved in the first place. As for cannonry, there were Molotov cocktails, alien pulse guns that exploded stuff on impact, rockets from the alien assault vehicle. Oh and Bruce Campbell’s spaceship had something of an explosive quality to it when it landed. All in all, solid but sometimes confusing cannonry.

  • Other Factors:

So, not surprisingly, the black dude who you think is going to be a main character gets his head bit off. Gotta off that minority actor before they get a substantial part in the movie, I guess. In fact, it seemed like there were very few minorities in the movie at all. I counted two black guys, the one dies and the other is just some random slave. Good diverse casting.

Alright I’ll be honest, the movie-defining quote left something to be desired. Bruce Campbell shoots a dude with a crossbow and says, “Your stupidity is terminal. And now you're cured.” I’m shaking my head and laughing right now, that’s how bad it was.

And what was the deal with the fastest recorded rape of all time? That dude must have super-premature ejaculation problems! It was also interesting that the rape seemingly occurred without either party taking off even one article of clothing. This leads me to conclude that the dude had to have somehow gotten his willy out of the hole in the front of his pants (ouch!) and the girl had to not be wearing any underwear.

Going back to our talk of primitive weapons, where did Bruce Campbell get that sword from anyway? I understand the bows-and-arrows (they are in a forest, so all of those could conceivably be constructed), but where would you get a sword, and one that appears to be from the civil war era at that? I can only assume that they robbed an ancient museum that for some inexplicable reason the aliens did not blow up. Talking of those bows-and-arrows reminds me of that arrow-launcher contraption. How exactly did that work? It seemed like it never needed reloading, and it also seemed to have an endless supply of arrows. That is the coolest!

Overall Plot Line:
I’m still confused about how the human race became subjugated in the first place. If a crack team of freed slaves and villagers, with no apparent training in the use of bows-and-arrows, can take down a squadron of aliens, why couldn’t the army do the same with guns and ammunition? I shouldn’t even ask that question though, because almost all of these alien-overlords-overthrown-by-human-from-the-past movies deal with old technology ruling the day. Sometimes there’s even a throwback to old timey values put in there, but luckily not in AA. This plot does raise about a million questions though, which is a sign that it is an excellent plot for a bad action movie.

As far as slave life goes, this movie showed that it isn’t always that bad. Sure the slaves had to live in a hole (where they built fires and would’ve suffocated to death) and work all day, but the work seemed fairly easy (lifting a 2x4 from one pile and setting it on another pile) and you could easily survive if you didn’t try to escape. The aliens usually didn’t even kill them right off when they tried to escape (they just cut off a finger), so really you could try escaping about 6 times before they would kill you for running out of enough fingers to work with. They are practically letting you to escape, and with 6 tries most of the semi-intelligent humans should’ve been able to flee successfully.

It was also quite humorous how the part of the president seemed to be written exclusively for William Shatner. They even made the guy up to look like Shatner, and have him speak like Shatner in some identifiable ways.

I was just thinking how incredibly disappointed I was that the end of AA did not consist of Bruce Campbell fighting some giant termite, one-on-one, for the planet Earth. Come on, you know you all either were expecting it or wanted to see it. That would be an excellent, and confusing, end-boss fight! So I guess I can’t give the plot line a perfect score, since it did not contain the ideal ending.

Other items this film contains:

-Bruce Campbell constantly asked “are you a spaceman?” to the enjoyment of many, young and old.

-Minorities heads bitten off by giant termites

-A record number of V’s appearing in the closing credits

-The digging of a pointless hole!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Rapid Exchange (2003)

Overall Rating:
This movie does not come highly recommended, both as a bad action movie and as a regular movie. No boobies and only a little ninjocity and profanation really hurt the rating for this movie. The only saviors for this movie are its flawed and terrible plot and the amount of other factors (like bad costumes) contained therein.

Why We Rented It:
Over a quarter of a billion dollars in cash is on a flight bound for Europe, and they plan to steal it all…in midair. The perfect team has been assembled and every detail has been examined to pull off the biggest heist in history. But with a payoff this big, you can’t trust anybody. One covert action follows another, and only one survivor will walk away with it all. A white-knuckle thriller starring Lance Henriksen and Lorenzo Lamas.

Our Synopsis:
So our heroes, Ketchup and Brooks, try to steal an ancient scepter and one gets caught. The other goes to their boss who bails him out of prison, but now they owe their boss bail money. To pay back the bail they decide they’ll rob this plane carrying money overseas and make a Rapid Exchange in mid-air! Anyways, they (of course) get paired up with some guy who’s their arch-nemesis or something and then they’re kinda surprised when he double crosses them later. That’s a solid plot if ever I’ve heard one!

  • Big Ol’ Naked Boobies:

If I ever wanted to waste my time making a negative star icon, I would do it thinking of this movie and its lack of Big Ol’ Naked Boobies. I didn’t even see any cleavage in the entire movie. Not even any cleavage! Terrible! Negative one million stars!

  • Profanation:

This movie gets a good rating in the department of ill-timed and even confusing swearing, but overall there is not a lot of profanity. It’s pretty much a PG-13, maybe even a PG movie for about the first ¾’s. Then the swears come out in droves. My personal favorite is the idiot FBI agent, upon reaching the vault, and saying, “What if f*** man! What the f****!” Probably one of the worst people I’ve ever heard swearing in my entire life. I especially liked his swears because maybe we, as the audience, were supposed to be feeling sorry or empathizing with him at that moment, but his swearing ended up making me laugh for about a minute, along with constantly repeating his profanities. Also right at the end, the main bad guy seems to be trying to make up for the low amount of swearing so far by swearing about once a sentence.

  • Ninjocity:

Oh this was pathetic, especially for a movie that was trying to make itself out to look like an action movie. The one fight scene involves our hero and the bad guy punching and slapping each other about two to three times. That’s it.

  • Cannonry:

Cannonry was ok in this movie. There are quite a few machine guns at the start, The Renegade threatens to shoot some guys dog with a pistol, and, of course, the bad guy is waving around a gun near the end. Lorenzo Lamas also somehow finds a giant harpoon-like gun to shoot at the money-plane. Only two explosions, and they can’t even really be considered ‘large’ explosions. Not quite enough to get Cannonry to 3 stars.

  • Other Factors:

Bad costumes help the rating of this movie tremendously. About the first thing we see in the movie is Lorenzo Lamas in the worst fake beard of all time. I guess they didn’t allocate enough money in their budget for disguises, because this happens multiple times. Later he dresses up as an INS agent and a beggar and if you can’t tell that it’s the Renegade, you probably shouldn’t ever pick up one of those, well you know, people-who-stand-on-the-corner, because they’ll probably be dudes.

Lorenzo Lamas also tries to convince us that he actually has some hispanic heritage by speaking in Spanish not once, but twice! Not only can the Renegade almost count to three in Spanish, but he can say another phrase too! I forget what it was, it was obviously that memorable.

Another great thing this movie had goin’ for it was when they tried to teach us the “criminal lingo.” When Brooks gets caught at the start, Ketchup goes to see their crime boss and tells him that “Brooks got popped.” They then repeat the fact that Brooks got “popped” at least 4-5 more times.

Also, “Ketchum” is about the worst name of all time. I can’t even type it without the quotes, that’s why he is referred to as either Ketchup, the Renegade or Lorenzo Lamas.

Overall Plot Line:
Firstly, how could anyone not immediately rent a movie with Lorenzo Lamas in it? The guy was the freakin’ Renegade! The Renegade!

I find it hilarious that the back cover tells us that the “perfect team” has been assembled for this job, because at least 2-3 of the team members are completely useless and are pretty much interchangeable with any average Joe you’d meet on the street. For example, the guy who’s “co-pilot” in their little plane doesn’t have any worthwhile skills to add to the team at all.

The love story twist at the end left me confused and amused. So let me get this straight, the Renegade and this girl had all of one conversation up to the end of the movie. He gives her some money, and then says something to the effect of “ok, are we done?” His good-ol’ pal Brooks then asks him, “are you done?” So they drive their van up to the girl and Ketchup asks her if she wants a ride (in a nervous but cool way so the audience knows that he wants to do her). So…why the love story ending? Seems pointless.

And I can’t believe that they simply bailed-out Brooks when he got caught robbing the museum. You’d think the police would find something to charge him with, like maybe thievery and attempting to steal priceless artifacts? But no, Ketchup merely has to post bail and off we go with the rest of the story.

Other items this film contains:

-Water balloons that break windshields?!

-Wind that doesn’t blow through an open plane door.

-Lorenzo Lamas with an unending supply of weapons and explosives.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Pterodactyl (2005)

Overall Rating:
I really wanted to give this movie a high-rating. It was just so entertaining and bad! But sadly, a lack of Big Ol’ Naked Boobies and Profanation drags Pterodactyl’s score down to a 3.5. If you aren’t in the mood for boobies or swears though, this movie gets some of our highest ratings in the straight-up “action” categories and is therefore highly recommended.

Why We Rented It:
Deep in the heart of the Turkish forest lies Mt. Ararat, a dormant volcano that holds within itself a deadly and prehistoric secret that has been asleep for millions of years…until now. Not knowing the threat that awaits them, two separate expeditions make their way into the heart of the forest and closer to the volcano. Captain Bergen (Coolio) leads his military special ops unit on a manhunt for a dangerous terrorist, while Professor Lovecraft (Cameron Daddo) and his team of scientists search for clues to the past when they make a dangerous discovery – hatching Pterodactyl eggs! Faced with the threat of the flesh-eating predators, both groups come to the realization that they must rely on one another if they plan on making it out of the forest alive! With non-stop action and explosive graphics, PTERODACTYL will make your fear take flight!

Our Synopsis:
You know you’ve got a good bad action movie on your hands if a man is torn in half within the first 5 minutes. It was also quite enjoyable to see that Professor Lovecraft’s (I don’t even want to bother making fun of his bad name) “team of scientists” is just a bunch of his undergrad kids who are basically going on an extra-credit field trip. The story is a classic: man goes on expedition, woman wants to do man, man meets dinos he’d rather do, man tries to find dinos and study them/do them, team gets eaten, woman gets captured by dinos, man decides he’d rather do woman, man saves woman and we are left assuming he does her. The End!

  • Big Ol’ Naked Boobies:

Oh soooo close! The naked boobies were within grasp, but plucked away at the last second for no good reason. What was that big boobied girl thinking anyway? Swimming in a bra and panties, very dangerous! Those things can weigh you down and you’ll almost certainly drown. A ½ star for nice cleavage (and nice lookin’ boobies) but I can’t reward this with a full star since there were no bare boobies.

  • Profanation:

Nothing really stands out in retrospect. I remember one “Damn!” that made me laugh, but the few swears were generally not funny or memorable. I expected more from you Showtime!

  • Ninjocity:

You’ve gotta love it when our hero, Loveshack, gets to kick a Pterodactyl in the head multiple times. Oh and we certainly shan’t forget good ol’ Coolio hitting that Armenia guy in the back of the head to knock him out. Coolio’s army buddies also get in on the fun, including the dude who slits the throat of another Armenian guy. Loveshack’s lover girl gets some good stick whacks into a baby Pterodactyl too. So even though the ninjocity was fairly limited (due to the fact that they were mostly fighting Pterodactyls) this movie still gets a decent rating in ninjocity.

  • Cannonry:

Wow, this movie had a whole lot more cannonry than I expected. I figured comin’ in that they’d mostly be running from the Pterodactyls and figuring out ways to get them to fly into traps and what not. But they sure did surprise me! Talk about tricky with the C4 inside of the Armenian guy! I never saw that one coming! How the hell did that Armenian guy get C4 inside him anyway? And don’t forget the smallest rocket launcher ever invented, complete with “lock-on” helmet. That lock-on helmet was the most impractical army weapon I’ve ever seen; what kind of stupid thing makes you wear it constantly for something to stay locked-on? And I haven’t even mentioned all the military machine guns, the Professor’s mysterious pistol he whips out from God knows where, a dude shooting a gun while upside down and climbing across a gorge on a rope, or the unlimited ammo they have with no reload time. Cannonry for this movie gets our highest rating, 5 stars!

  • Other Factors:

Of course the fact that this is a movie made by Showtime immediately gives it great bad action movie street cred. I thought this fact would almost certainly mean that there would be nudity, but alas I was foiled! However the almost-nudity did result in one of the strangest and funniest lines in the movie. So the almost-naked girl, after just being attacked by the pterodactyl, runs into the woods and collides with some guy. She’s spouting some gibberish about pterodactyls and the guy is all the time just staring at her chest. She finally notices this and shoves him away and says, “don’t look at my butt!” What!? He was clearly looking at her boobies; I won’t even try to understand that one.

That scene also reminds me of something funny about the pterodactyl attack on that boobied-girl. One of my fellow bad action movie-watchers asked how many times they could keep showing the same footage of the girl struggling under the water against the giant plastic pterodactyl claw. The answer is 3, 3 times.

And, before I forget, the absolute best line in the movie was delivered by Coolio. After the Armenian dude gets snatched up by the pterodactyls, Coolio delivers his classic, soon-to-be-memorized-by-millions line, “Judgement By Dinosaur.” Absolutely terrible.

This film made me start to wonder about pterodactyls too. Could a pterodactyl really climb up a rock wall? And even if it could, why would it want to? Why would the pterodactyls suddenly have a taste for man-flesh? There is plenty of easy-to-catch livestock in the area (as evidenced by the end of the movie).

I think at one point we are supposed to realize that Coolio has Alzheimer’s, because he starts to consistently refer to the main girl by her father’s name, “Bulldog.” It’s sad really.

Overall Plot Line:

The plot line, originally sketchy in its own right, became even more so as the movie progressed. It was rather interesting that the whole ‘why are there Pterodactyls?’ question was never even really addressed. I guess they’re just leaving it up to your own imagination. Oh wait, the back cover says they Pterodactyls have been “asleep for millions of years.” Right…cause animals, especially dinosaurs, just do that. Another interesting thing to wonder about is why Coolio is looking for this terrorist guy. Actually the only way you’d even know he’s a terrorist is because the back cover tells you that too. Didn’t seem like the terrorist was doing anything wrong, he was just doin’ a girl who didn’t want to do him, but that happens all the time really. And the army, no matter how crazy, doesn’t just send in a squadron to some foreign country to kill some terrorist because that terrorist killed 6 men that Coolio trained.

My main gripe with the plot is why don’t they just stay in the freakin’ forest? They are never once attacked when they’re treakin’ through the forest. It’s only when they decide to cross the same clearing 4-5 times that the pterodactyls start swooping in and killing of their party. I also like that the main characters completely forget about the nerd kid they left in that house. They don’t know that he’s dead, he could be alive and well for all they know and they just left him there.

And, last but not least, I’ve got to mention the scene that Craiye called the “worst idea I’ve ever seen.” This is, of course, the sheep/rope trick. Now the idea itself is not the worst thing Craiye had ever seen. The worst idea Craiye has ever seen was when the guy climbed over on the rope to the woman and then they both climbed back over one behind the other. Why did that guy even bother to climb over? Why didn’t the dumb woman just climb over the rope when they got the rope over there? Unbelievable.

Other items this film contains:

-Unlimited Ammo Code!

-No Reload Code!

-Guys with worse foreign accents than Shannon Elizabeth in American Pie (see the first Armenian/Turkish guy they run into in town)

-Terrorists who are really bad shots (including the guy who gets Coolio on the ground and misses from point blank range)

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Overall Rating:
This movie certainly qualifies as a bad action movie. It has a very poor plot line, bad camera work, poor special effects and a fair share of boobies. However, Shark Attack 3 doesn't have ninjocity and there should be more cannonry in a movie dedicated to blowing up sharks. These factors ultimately keep this from being a 5 star bad action movie. This bad action movie is highly recommended though, and it’s one of the best we’ve ever seen.

Why We Rented It:
24 million years ago, Megalodon was a 20-ton voracious killing machine with a 10-foot wide gaping bite who snacked on T. Rex and survived the Ice Age. But “Meg” has been thought to be extinct for millions of years…until now. When two determined researchers discover a colossal shark tooth in the warm waters off the Mexican coast, their worst fears come to the surface. The most menacing predator to ever rule the earth is alive and well and ripping helpless victims to shreds! Get ready to discover the only thing more horrifying than hunting for the fiercest killer man has ever known…meeting him face to face!

********************************Spoiler Alert!**************************************

Our Synopsis:
Main character is a beach guard in a tourist resort in Mexico. He stumbles upon a giant shark tooth in a fiber optic cable while stealing lobsters, on the clock. He posts a message to a collection of biologists and paleontologists to find out what the shark tooth was. He was responded to by the sexpot “Cat.” We come to find out that the shark is really a baby prehistoric dinosaur shark that is attracted to fiber optic cables because of their electrifying nature. The sexpot wants to keep said dinosaur alive for research purposes, while beach boy wants to kill it before it kills the beach. Eventually beach boy wins and they kill the baby dinosaur only to enrage mama dinosaur. Said dinosaur ends up eating lots and lots of people in one gulp, including an entire boat in one gulp. It’s decided (with approval from the Bush administration) to kill the mama dinosaur with a giant underwater explosion that would kill the mamasaur and all other underwater life for centuries to come.

  • Big Ol’ Naked Boobies:

Movie starts and within the first five minutes we see at least 7 boobies on the beach. Then in another ten minutes we see another 2 boobies in a make out/skinny dipping scene that ends with one shark eating another shark and scaring said boobies. More boobies appear after the main character suggests he should “eat Cat’s pussy,” and he does so in the shower. Those are the last boobies we see.

  • Profanation:

This movie was the best for unusual and ill-timed swears. My personal favorite: the head of the evil corporation gets an upsetting phone call, he hangs up, starts writing, sits there for a second, and then just says “f***,” and that’s the end of the scene. Why? We knew he was mad, he didn’t have to say that to prove it. This film also contained one of the strangest and definitely the dirtiest line we have yet to hear in any of the previous bad action movies. I mean, me and Craiye say some bad and dirty stuff ourselves, but this was completely unexpected and just plain terrible. Alright, let me set the scene for you; the guy, the girl, and the old man have just finalized their plans to destroy “Meg” (ha, that still cracks me up every time) and the old man leaves and says “you kids should get some rest” or something like that. Ok here’s the scene:

Girl: “I’m really exhausted”

Guy: “Ya, me too, but I’m also really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”

And then the scene switches to them bone-timin’ in the shower.

What just happened? He might have said it because her name is “Cat” or for some reason along those same lines; but it really is just a bad transition to the sex scene. There are cleaner lines in porno movies than this one. So, if for no other reason, you should get this movie for this strange, yet seductive line.

Another absolutely great line happens early in the movie when the girl brings down her crew to search for the baby dinosaur. The crew consists of two guys, and the one guy is checking out the girls butt as she walks away, and she turns and says something about the guy checking out her butt, and he’s all like I wasn’t looking at your butt, and the other guy says, “But you’re the ass-man, remember?” Oh, that sure is a quality line.

  • Ninjocity:

This gets 2 stars only because the main character wails on a shark with a baseball bat. There was also a little bit of harpoon action while Cat was trying to track the shark. That’s about it. I guess you can’t really fistfight with a shark.

  • Cannonry:

In one scene in the movie, the main character gets a pistol from God knows where and tries to shoot the shark with it, but ends up only nearly shooting beach goers. He really is a terrible shot. There were also quite a few grenades thrown at the mamasaur. The movie of course ended when the giant stolen torpedo was launched back at the mamasaur who had the mini-sub in its mouth, for a giant explosion.

  • Other Factors:

One of the first things we noticed when we started the movie was the fact that some of the people’s lips were moving but sound was comin’ out all funny. We eventually figured out that some of the scenes were actually dubbed, and poorly too I might add. My favorite dub was when the guy at the start with the cigar talks incredibly clearly for having a cigar in his mouth at the time. As far as camera work goes, it’s amazing how many times you can show a shark eating something, but splice something different in. I’m sure we saw the same babysaur eating scene at least 20 times. Amazingly, the mamasaur was the same shot, just zoomed in. The underwater camera shots were confusing and you usually ended up seeing a cardboard cutout of shark’s teeth biting the camera. There were also many bad shots of human limbs and many humans disobeyed the laws of physics when jumping into shark’s mouths. The mamasaur also somehow changed size, because its mouth was barely as big as a guy when the main bad guy jumped into its mouth, but somehow its mouth became as large as a boat when it swallowed a life raft.

Overall Plot Line:
The plot had many initial flaws, including the fact that dinosaurs are still alive and roaming the planet. Another major flaw was that the pick-up line, “how bout we go to my place and eat your pussy,” would actually work. The plot also played on the myth that corporate America doesn’t care about individual lives, only the bottom line. Another confusing thing was that the movie took place in Mexico, yet the crazy old submariner had pictures of the Bush administration on his wall. Also, he somehow managed to steal a torpedo from a submarine. The movie also failed to mention how the dinosaurs survived, what they’ve been doing for hundreds of millions of years and what exactly lured them out from what they were doing. We also were confused about why they had a sudden taste for man-flesh. And it was hilariously confusing why people were jumping off the boat and into the water at the end, when they clearly knew there was a shark in the water. Why would you jump off a big boat that the shark can’t swallow and get into a small raft that the shark can, and does, swallow?

Other items this film contains:

-Bad shark related injuries (i.e. banging one’s head on the guard rail when the shark hits the boat) (it actually happens more than once)

-Pointless shark attack on minority actors (strangely, this is never mentioned in the movie.)

-Shameless Bush and Cheney sponsorship (look for their pictures on the back wall of the crazy old submariner’s office)

-The inability to save a girl from a shark with 3 tries to save her.

-The stealing of dead people’s necklaces (I don’t even know how)

-Pointless middle-finger raising in the shark’s general direction

Sunday, April 16, 2006


I thought it’d be a good idea, before I started tossing up reviews of bad action movies, to go over some questions that will probably be frequently asked as soon as reviews are available. So here goes:

(1) What exactly is a bad action movie?

A: A bad action movie is defined as a movie containing: fight scenes, firearms of all varieties, massive explosions (some for no apparent reason!), swears, nudity and a flawed plot. We also take into account directing, camera work, sound recording, and violations of the laws of physics, but these factors are not as important as the first 6.

(2) Explain the layout to me because I’m stupid.

A: Man, you sure are stupid; you can’t even ask a proper question! But I’ll explain the layout to your stupid face anyway.

-First we’ll list off the Movie Title with the year it was made in parentheses ( ) to help you find the exact same copy of the movie.

-Next you’ll see the Overall Rating, with a score of between 0 and 5 stars, and some additional info to sum up the movie and tell you a couple reasons why you should watch it.

-After that is a section called Why We Rented It, which originally had the words From The Back Cover following it. Here we’ll let you read exactly what the back cover of the movie said, so you can get the feel for why we pick certain movies as bad action movies.

-Sometimes we'll include a line like this:
********************************Spoiler Alert!**************************************
that, you guessed it, will alert you that you are walking into spoiler country. After this line there will be about a million spoilers, probably even including the ending. But if you're like us, you'll probably realize that most bad action movies are eerily predictable and you'll read on irregardless. Oh, and to end the spoiler alert, we'll put in another line like this:
********************************End of Spoilers************************************

-Our Synopsis follows this, where we’ll break down the movie for you, emphasizing scenes of bad action and specifically scenes of Ninjocity, Cannonry, Profanation, Big Ol’ Naked Boobies, and Other Factors such as directing, camera work and natural law violations. Each of these sub-sections will have a rating from 0 to 5 stars describing the amount of each that is contained in this particular movie.

-We then rate the Overall Plot Line and discuss the best parts of the movie and the usually gigantic holes in the plot. This also will have a rating between 0 and 5 stars.

-Finally, if we really thought a movie was bad, we’ll have a section called Other Items Of Note where we list off some entertaining things this movie contained that were not mentioned in the review (and some that were mentioned in the review but need extra emphasis!).

(3) What do your crazy made-up words mean in the Our Synopsis section?

A: Jeez, is it always “all definitions, all the time” with you guys? Anyways, here goes:

Ninjocity: this is the one that gets asked about the most, and probably for good reason because I made it up. Thinking back, I think I combined the words “ninja” and “velocity.” So let’s see, you’ve got “martial artist” combined with “the rate of speed of action or occurence.” Got it yet? It’s the speed at which martial artists occur or appear. To apply this to our film watchin’, it’s the amount of ninja moves and fist-fighting that appears in a given movie.

Cannonry: this is a real word, so don’t give me guff on this one. Cannonry is defined as a battery of cannons. I think that’s about the best descriptive word you could use to describe a massive amount of explosions. In our reviews, the cannonry section will also contain info on the number and kinds of firearms that play a major role in the movie.

Profanation: another real word. The act or an instance of profaning. This section has both the amount of profanity in the movie and describes ill-timed and seemingly unnecessary obscenities.

(4) What does “classic Highlander rules” mean?

A: It’s quite simple, assuming you’ve ever seen any of the Highlander movies or understand the premise. Basically, if you kill someone you become them. Actually what happened in Highlander was that you would gain the power of the person that you killed, but it’s really about the same thing. For example, say that you kill a king. If, by killing the king, you then become the king, classic Highlander rules are in effect.

(5) Why isn’t movie “X” reviewed on your bad action movie site?

A: There are a couple of reasons why that could be:

I. Haven’t got around to watching and reviewing it yet.

II. We don’t know about it.
If you would like to recommend a bad action movie to be reviewed by TBAFS, send us an email: thebafs@gmail.com

III. It doesn’t qualify as a bad action movie, and thus it will never be reviewed.
Take for example the movie Kazaam. It is certainly a terrible movie. In fact IMDb users have rated it one of the Top 100 Worst Movies of All Time. But Kazaam will never be reviewed by TBAFS because it doesn’t qualify as a bad action movie. I haven’t seen Kazaam in…well however long ago it was that I was a kid, but I can say for sure that there are no swears or boobies. Fighting, shooting, and explosions are kept to a minimum too, so while this movie is certainly terrible, it is not a bad action movie. However, for you Shaq lovers, maybe we can get around to reviewing Steel here sometime soon.

(6) Why doesn’t my question appear here in the FAQ’s?

A: Well, obviously you haven’t asked it enough! So I guess you’re just going to have to keep emailing us your question until we post it up here. Seriously though, any other questions or comments can be emailed to us at: thebafs@gmail.com

Sunday, April 09, 2006


The Bad Action Film Society (TBAFS) was originally created on February 29, 2004 by two great men, now simply referred to as Craiye and Stu. Their intent was to watch at least one bad action movie a week, and this objective was fulfilled for many, many weeks. After a couple of months it was determined that reviews of these bad action movies should be produced, if only to document the true badness (and, in most cases, accidental funniness) of these bad action movies. After a couple of reviews had been written, it was then decided that a website should be produced to alert the public about bad action movies and all of their glory (ALL of it!). It was then determined that this would be too much work. Since that time, Craiye has gotten himself engaged, leaving Stu with too much free time and a lot of bad action movies to watch himself. Now, once again, the idea emerges for a website dedicated to reviewing bad action movies. But this time, a medium is available that is easy to both use and manage: this blogger thing! Someday a real website may be created, but for now enjoy the reviews of your favorite bad action movie, written by TBAFS!

Some interesting tidbits of trivia regarding TBAFS:

  • TBAFS was originally called Bad Action Movie Sundays (because we watched bad action movies and it was usually on Sundays). Creativity is not our strong suit. Check out our old logo:
  • The first movies ever watched and reviewed by TBAFS were The Last Siege and Death Race 2000
  • TBAFS began on February 29th (Leap Day for those of you not familiar with the calendar).
  • TBAFS went on Spring Break in 2004 but was still able to watch a bad action movie for the week (Jurassic Park II in Bozeman, MT)
  • TBAFS has yet to go to the theater to specifically see a bad action movie.
  • Thus far, the actor that has appeared in the most TBAFS-reviewed bad action movies: Antonio Sabato, Jr.