Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Overall Rating:
This movie certainly qualifies as a bad action movie. It has a very poor plot line, bad camera work, poor special effects and a fair share of boobies. However, Shark Attack 3 doesn't have ninjocity and there should be more cannonry in a movie dedicated to blowing up sharks. These factors ultimately keep this from being a 5 star bad action movie. This bad action movie is highly recommended though, and it’s one of the best we’ve ever seen.

Why We Rented It:
24 million years ago, Megalodon was a 20-ton voracious killing machine with a 10-foot wide gaping bite who snacked on T. Rex and survived the Ice Age. But “Meg” has been thought to be extinct for millions of years…until now. When two determined researchers discover a colossal shark tooth in the warm waters off the Mexican coast, their worst fears come to the surface. The most menacing predator to ever rule the earth is alive and well and ripping helpless victims to shreds! Get ready to discover the only thing more horrifying than hunting for the fiercest killer man has ever known…meeting him face to face!

********************************Spoiler Alert!**************************************

Our Synopsis:
Main character is a beach guard in a tourist resort in Mexico. He stumbles upon a giant shark tooth in a fiber optic cable while stealing lobsters, on the clock. He posts a message to a collection of biologists and paleontologists to find out what the shark tooth was. He was responded to by the sexpot “Cat.” We come to find out that the shark is really a baby prehistoric dinosaur shark that is attracted to fiber optic cables because of their electrifying nature. The sexpot wants to keep said dinosaur alive for research purposes, while beach boy wants to kill it before it kills the beach. Eventually beach boy wins and they kill the baby dinosaur only to enrage mama dinosaur. Said dinosaur ends up eating lots and lots of people in one gulp, including an entire boat in one gulp. It’s decided (with approval from the Bush administration) to kill the mama dinosaur with a giant underwater explosion that would kill the mamasaur and all other underwater life for centuries to come.

  • Big Ol’ Naked Boobies:

Movie starts and within the first five minutes we see at least 7 boobies on the beach. Then in another ten minutes we see another 2 boobies in a make out/skinny dipping scene that ends with one shark eating another shark and scaring said boobies. More boobies appear after the main character suggests he should “eat Cat’s pussy,” and he does so in the shower. Those are the last boobies we see.

  • Profanation:

This movie was the best for unusual and ill-timed swears. My personal favorite: the head of the evil corporation gets an upsetting phone call, he hangs up, starts writing, sits there for a second, and then just says “f***,” and that’s the end of the scene. Why? We knew he was mad, he didn’t have to say that to prove it. This film also contained one of the strangest and definitely the dirtiest line we have yet to hear in any of the previous bad action movies. I mean, me and Craiye say some bad and dirty stuff ourselves, but this was completely unexpected and just plain terrible. Alright, let me set the scene for you; the guy, the girl, and the old man have just finalized their plans to destroy “Meg” (ha, that still cracks me up every time) and the old man leaves and says “you kids should get some rest” or something like that. Ok here’s the scene:

Girl: “I’m really exhausted”

Guy: “Ya, me too, but I’m also really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?”

And then the scene switches to them bone-timin’ in the shower.

What just happened? He might have said it because her name is “Cat” or for some reason along those same lines; but it really is just a bad transition to the sex scene. There are cleaner lines in porno movies than this one. So, if for no other reason, you should get this movie for this strange, yet seductive line.

Another absolutely great line happens early in the movie when the girl brings down her crew to search for the baby dinosaur. The crew consists of two guys, and the one guy is checking out the girls butt as she walks away, and she turns and says something about the guy checking out her butt, and he’s all like I wasn’t looking at your butt, and the other guy says, “But you’re the ass-man, remember?” Oh, that sure is a quality line.

  • Ninjocity:

This gets 2 stars only because the main character wails on a shark with a baseball bat. There was also a little bit of harpoon action while Cat was trying to track the shark. That’s about it. I guess you can’t really fistfight with a shark.

  • Cannonry:

In one scene in the movie, the main character gets a pistol from God knows where and tries to shoot the shark with it, but ends up only nearly shooting beach goers. He really is a terrible shot. There were also quite a few grenades thrown at the mamasaur. The movie of course ended when the giant stolen torpedo was launched back at the mamasaur who had the mini-sub in its mouth, for a giant explosion.

  • Other Factors:

One of the first things we noticed when we started the movie was the fact that some of the people’s lips were moving but sound was comin’ out all funny. We eventually figured out that some of the scenes were actually dubbed, and poorly too I might add. My favorite dub was when the guy at the start with the cigar talks incredibly clearly for having a cigar in his mouth at the time. As far as camera work goes, it’s amazing how many times you can show a shark eating something, but splice something different in. I’m sure we saw the same babysaur eating scene at least 20 times. Amazingly, the mamasaur was the same shot, just zoomed in. The underwater camera shots were confusing and you usually ended up seeing a cardboard cutout of shark’s teeth biting the camera. There were also many bad shots of human limbs and many humans disobeyed the laws of physics when jumping into shark’s mouths. The mamasaur also somehow changed size, because its mouth was barely as big as a guy when the main bad guy jumped into its mouth, but somehow its mouth became as large as a boat when it swallowed a life raft.

Overall Plot Line:
The plot had many initial flaws, including the fact that dinosaurs are still alive and roaming the planet. Another major flaw was that the pick-up line, “how bout we go to my place and eat your pussy,” would actually work. The plot also played on the myth that corporate America doesn’t care about individual lives, only the bottom line. Another confusing thing was that the movie took place in Mexico, yet the crazy old submariner had pictures of the Bush administration on his wall. Also, he somehow managed to steal a torpedo from a submarine. The movie also failed to mention how the dinosaurs survived, what they’ve been doing for hundreds of millions of years and what exactly lured them out from what they were doing. We also were confused about why they had a sudden taste for man-flesh. And it was hilariously confusing why people were jumping off the boat and into the water at the end, when they clearly knew there was a shark in the water. Why would you jump off a big boat that the shark can’t swallow and get into a small raft that the shark can, and does, swallow?

Other items this film contains:

-Bad shark related injuries (i.e. banging one’s head on the guard rail when the shark hits the boat) (it actually happens more than once)

-Pointless shark attack on minority actors (strangely, this is never mentioned in the movie.)

-Shameless Bush and Cheney sponsorship (look for their pictures on the back wall of the crazy old submariner’s office)

-The inability to save a girl from a shark with 3 tries to save her.

-The stealing of dead people’s necklaces (I don’t even know how)

-Pointless middle-finger raising in the shark’s general direction


Blogger craiye said...

I still think that "pussy-eatin" line is the best I've ever heard. You should totally try it Stu!

2:58 AM  

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